Care Without Avoidance

Photo by Copernico on Unsplash

I recently listened to an HBR IdeaCast episode featuring leadership expert Tim Elmore, and it highlighted a tension many leaders feel but rarely express: how do we lead with genuine care without lowering the bar?

As young team members seek empathy, connection, and support, leaders are tested not on whether we care, but whether our care includes the courage to guide, challenge, and keep the mission steady.

Reflecting on my experiences as a leader, I do care, but sometimes I avoid tough conversations or fail to provide effective guidance in a timely manner. That’s why I really enjoyed this podcast. If you're similar to me and have experienced the consequences of ineffective leadership, I strongly suggest listening to it for additional insights.

Here are my main takeaways from the podcast on leading with both empathy and courage. It begins with a basic tension that every leader faces:

Everyone is more important than their job. No one is more important than the mission.

Good leadership doesn’t pick one of these truths over the other. Instead, it needs a balance between them.

The ALEG Framework

This tension becomes most noticeable when giving feedback to young team members. Elmore introduced the ALEG framework for delivering difficult feedback to a young team member. It balances individual and organizational standards and helps leaders earn trust by following a clear sequence. It might help to remember a saying you may have heard many times: “This is the leg you got to stand on.”

Here are the steps, actions, and the expected outcome of the framework:

1. A: Ask. Before we tell, ask thoughtful questions; they will feel valued.

2. L: Listen. When we listen with patience, they feel heard.

3. E: Empathize. Understand their perspectives (even if we disagree) so they feel understood.

4. G: Guide: Offer directions to build the bridge and lead the way.

   
   

One line that really resonated with me from the podcast is what Elmore said:

Half of leadership is listening.

If we listen to understand someone’s perspective instead of just trying to reply, fix, or correct, we make them feel heard. This helps people become less defensive, build trust, and allow genuine guidance to naturally happen.

The Crockpot vs. The Microwave

When a young team member asks for a promotion, leaders often feel torn between rushing to reassure and hiding behind policy. The real question isn’t whether we care; it’s how we help people understand that meaningful growth can’t be rushed.

To lead effectively, Elmore suggests leaders should communicate that meaningful careers develop gradually, much like good food, marriages, and friendships. It requires patience; the food will be much tastier when cooked in a crockpot than in a microwave. When young team members feel like they are falling behind, leaders should remind them that they are heading in the right direction, though they are at the start of a long journey.

Looking back on my conversation with a team member, I wish I had used the Crockpot vs. Microwave metaphor. Instead of just saying “you’re not ready for a promotion,” I could have taken more time and explained that it’s about timing and growth. Careers take time to develop; not everything happens instantly. Sharing this perspective can promote patience, clarity, and a shared sense of responsibility, rather than causing disappointment.

On Mental Health: Care is Not Avoidance

Another common source of tension is the request for a mental health day from a young team member. Elmore shared an experience he had in a coffee shop where two of the three members called in for absence because “I was at a party late last night. I’m not my best self today. I won’t make it in.” When this happens, empathy should come first, but ’t mean avoiding the issue. To handle these conversations with courage and confidence, follow this order:

1. Personal before work: care for the person first.

2. Hard before easy: talk about the core issue and don’t dance around it.

3. Big picture before details: remind them why they matter to the whole.

Caring is important, but providing clear direction helps us progress. Without guidance, compassion can become avoidance. Empathy alone is not enough for leadership; leadership also requires empathy combined with a clear goal.

Reflecting on this, I realized that when I handled a similar situation in my early career, I tended to “dance around it” and didn’t hit the hard issue head-on at the beginning. Similar to my mistake with the sandwich method, which is often used in Toastmasters meetings, it is not effective or always clear to others when discussing hard issues.

From Renting to Owning

Different people and generations have had different views about work. Ultimately, this isn’t just about living to work or working to live. It’s about shifting from viewing a job as temporary to truly owning it.

True ownership occurs when people stop viewing their job as just a transaction and start seeing it as a craft. We don’t need employees to sacrifice everything for work, but we do want them to care about the mission, the team, and long-term goals. When people feel ownership, trust, and accountability can grow together.

Question: What are your experiences when you lead with care without lowering the bar?

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