Mind Spark # 36: Kindness Is Not Niceness
- Shujian Zhang
- Jan 23
- 2 min read
Inspired by a Think Fast Talk Smart podcast, Be Kind: The Most Overlooked Driver of Success, and an HBR article: Is Your Leadership Style Too Nice?
Many leaders confuse kindness with niceness. I used to do this myself.
When I first became a manager, I believed that being kind meant keeping things comfortable. I would avoid tough feedback and overlook minor issues. It seemed humane and respectful, and at the time, it usually felt easier.
But over time, I learned something tough: comfort is not the same as care.
I learned that kindness isn’t just about making people feel good now. It’s about helping them grow for the future.
This type of leadership needs courage and resilience. It means having honest conversations, even when silence might be easier. It involves maintaining high standards, even if we are worried about being liked. It also requires trusting others enough to tell the truth rather than hide it.
Niceness, on the other hand, often hides behind good intentions. We avoid giving tough feedback to protect feelings. We stick with weak decisions because change feels difficult. Niceness maintains peace temporarily, but over time, it gradually diminishes trust, clarity, and performance.
True kindness is backed by strength. It needs us to learn carefully and speak clearly, to show our empathy without lowering expectations, to trust that people mean well while still insisting on accountability.
Looking back on my growth journey, the leaders who helped me the most weren’t always the nicest, and sometimes I wanted to run away from them. But later, I realized they cared enough to be honest, challenge me, support me, and believe I could improve. Honestly, those are the ones I appreciate the most.
Leadership involves balancing the courage to care with the clarity to be direct.
When done well, kindness doesn’t weaken leadership. It makes it stronger.
What do you think?
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