Turning Disagreements into Dialogue: Notes from Bits and Pieces

This post was inspired by an article published in Bits and Pieces (The Economic Press), which Dale Carnegie cited in his classic book How to Win Friends & Influence People.

"You can't win an argument. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." -- Dale Carnegie

We all face disagreements - both at work and at home, as well as in our communities. But whether they turn into constructive conversations or destructive arguments often depends on how we respond.

I recently read the book "How to Win Friends & Influence People," and one chapter is about avoiding arguments. Carnegie cites a classic article published in "Bits and Pieces" that offers some suggestions on how to prevent a disagreement from escalating into an argument. I found it helpful as a learner and growing leader, so I am sharing my notes on each step, with a subtle change in the order of some steps from the original article.

🛡️ Eight Practical Steps to Prevent Arguments

1. Welcome the disagreement and embrace it as an opportunity. Disagreements can be uncomfortable, but they are also signs of engagement. When someone offers a different viewpoint, it's an opportunity to learn from others and expand our understanding. So, approach disagreements as a chance to gain more information and knowledge next time you encounter one.

   
   

2. Listen first and actively. It is a critical step where active and empathetic listening play a crucial role. In my previous post (Influence Starts with Listening), we learned that active listening, being fully present without interrupting, builds trust and fosters open communication. When people feel genuinely heard, they're more likely to share and consider new ideas openly. Otherwise, it will raise barriers to understanding and escalate tension.  

   
   

3. Distrust your first instinctive reaction: Our first reaction, especially under stress, is often defensive. Think carefully before responding. Take a breath and be aware of the situation. Do not defend or debate. The pause can make all the difference.

   
   

4. Control your temper: Staying calm doesn't mean giving in; it means maintaining clarity. Anger may feel powerful, but it can affect our rational thinking process and weaken our influence. You may be within your rights to respond forcefully, but before doing so, ask yourself what is in your best interest. "Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry."

   
   

5. Look for common grounds:  Even in disagreement, there's usually common ground. We should identify the points and areas on which we agree through active listening, as acknowledging them builds trust and keeps the conversation collaborative.

   
   

6. Be honest, admit mistakes, and apologize. Look for the errors or areas where we made mistakes and apologize sincerely. Vulnerability diffuses conflict. A sincere apology can dissolve defensiveness and invite reciprocity.

   
   

7. Promise to consider the other person's perspective and express gratitude for their interest. You don't have to agree immediately, but committing to consider their perspective keeps the dialogue open. Another important thing is to think of them as friends who want to help you with different opinions to avoid your mistakes, and thank them genuinely.  

   
   

8. Postpone action to allow both sides to think thoroughly. Sometimes the best action for that moment is no action, suggesting a pause and a conversation later, as emotions are too raw. Postponing a decision gives everyone time to reflect and return with a clearer mind. Meanwhile, both sides should ask themselves fundamental questions and think thoroughly about their position and that of the other side.

   
   

⚠️ What to Avoid

The article also reminds us of what not to do:

• Avoid blaming, name-calling, and bringing others into the conflict.

• Focus on the issue, not the person. Everyone should not take this personally.

• Focus on facts and shared goals, rather than assumptions about the motives and emotions that underlie them.

  
  

If I were to sum up the eight steps in a few sentences, it would be this:

Embrace disagreement and listen actively, without trusting your first emotional reaction or losing your temper. This helps you find common ground and recognize any mistakes on your part. Be honest, apologize when needed, and thank the other person for engaging. Also, allow time for both sides to reflect before continuing the conversation with a clearer mind and a better understanding of each other’s perspective.

Most importantly, don’t take it personally; focus on the issue, the facts, and shared goals, rather than ego or emotion. This framework reminds us that when we meet disagreement with curiosity rather than ego, we create space for genuine connection and even better solutions.

Reflect on your most recent disagreement and how you responded. Could one of these eight steps have made a difference?

If this reflection sparked something for you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment or share this post with someone who might find it helpful.

#ConflictResolution #EmotionalIntelligence #CommunicationSkills #PersonalGrowth #ConstructiveConversations

Photo by Shujian